The world goes on without you.  Sadly sometimes, sometimes bittersweet, sometimes happily, but it goes on.  

It has only been 8 months since you left us.  Since you chose to leave us because of the depression and un-livability of your own life.  I learned of how you died just last week.  I was a bit shocked truthfully.  I saw the dirty car that had once been yours, driven by your friend, going away from the park-and-ride.  It was dark and the account of your death came without warning.  I would have never thought that that car was a tool in your death.  I never ask any details of your death.  I never ask that your dear friend relive any part of your life that is not a celebration.  But I am normally curious.  I do want to know things about you.  Knowing how you died was not one of them.

I found that you are a runner.  No wonder your jeans fit me so well.  No wonder I have stepped so comfortably into your friends life.  She used to run with you, hike with you and be by your side much as she has been by mine.  Last summer I even ran through your neighborhood in your old Nike running shorts; not knowing that those shorts have done that many times before. 

So it has come about that I am approaching the world as you once did.  Rising in the morning to greet the dawn, drink in the cool air and clip clop down the empty streets.  In the afternoons sometimes I run (your friend's favorite time to run) and I see the colors changing to fall.  I smell wood smoke in the air and get sprinkled on by October's clouds.  This time of year is in synchronicity with this time of my life.  If my life were to be lived in one year Danni, this would be my October.  It is bittersweet. I enjoy the pretty colors, and the clear October air, but the cool twinge of winter and the shortness of daylight are strongly felt.  Soon it will be winter.  A winter you will never see.  

Now, because the chill is upon me I wonder about the extent of your tragedy.  Were you really meant to live as long as I have now?  Were you really meant to feel this October of life creeping in on your bones and making you sore and slow.  Although your death was self induced Danni, maybe it was timely and forgiving.  You avoided much pain in life, much of the deep sad realization that we can't avoid, trapped indoors in the long evenings of the fall.  We outlive our parents, our pets, many relationships, and if we live a good long time, many of our friends.  Were you ever really supposed to do this or was your life predestined to end when it did?  I will never know.

I do know that I've never met you and yet I miss you.  I do know that the void you left has been partially filled by me.  Uncomfortably sometimes, awkwardly most of the time, and always with reluctance, but here I am.  I am living in October without you.

Love,

Russ